State of Play 1: Work Ethic, Stress Management and Self-Care
In this first instalment of State of Play, I discuss my work ethic, my increased stress levels as of late, and how I’ve been balancing responsibility and discipline with looking after myself in what are becoming progressively more difficult times for all of us.
JOHN NICHOLS
OCTOBER 16, 2020
Premise: State of Play will be a series where I will discuss my working life, the challenges I am facing, and my state of mind. I will not have a schedule for these – I will write them whenever I feel it necessary to document my thoughts at the time. These are likely to be more ramble-y than my typical blog entries as the words flow directly from my head to the screen, although I’ll try my best to make it coherent!
These last few weeks have been a mental whirlwind of stress, pressure and burnout.
With increased restrictions once again put in place due to the COVID-19 pandemic, this is honestly the first time where the lack of social interaction is having a noticeable affect on me.
In my home life, I’ve found myself sinking into video games and watching streams far more often than I usually would, whilst in my work life, I’ve never known a time prior to now where I’ve had this constant feeling of pressure, like a mild headache that won’t go away.
I’ve always pressed myself to do well at everything I do, but the last few weeks have gotten me feeling especially drained – something which I haven’t felt in several years.
Work Ethic
Recently, I’ve taken on increased responsibility at work. This has given me the opportunity to push myself further and really prove my worth. I am, of course, expected to perform at a higher level, but I relish in that pressure. I put more expectation on myself to do well than anyone else could ever put upon me.
By all accounts, I have been successful in this endeavour. In spite of the very difficult trading conditions at the moment, I’ve brought in higher sales in the last few months than at any prior point in my current role.
However, I have noticed my general work ethic change since taking this responsibility on.
Previously, I would take a leisurely walk to the office in the morning, arriving at about 8:50am to get settled, ready for a 9am start, and then largely forget about work when I leave for the day. Now, I’ve found myself taking the bus to get in before 8:30am, being as productive as I possibly can be for the full work day, and then still thinking about work when I’m at home.
I know this isn’t the healthiest work-life balance, and as much as I am very work-focused, in the back of my mind, I know I cannot keep up this high-intensity approach for long before I burn out.
I am already sorely looking forward to the Christmas break, hoping that it will present the opportunity to take a proper breather and give me the chance to start 2021 will a healthy & measured, but still effective, approach to work.
Stress Management
I just mentioned relishing in pressure, and I think the reason for this attitude is twofold. One, I love to capitalise on any opportunity to prove myself, and two, I typically cope well with stress. The latter appears to have been waning as of late.
When colleagues at work have been mentioning how stressed I look, and I’ve felt a higher heart rate when push comes to shove, I know something is different than normal. To try and reset, I took this Monday off work, and I have this coming Monday off as well.
At the end of my three-day weekend, I felt refreshed and ready to tackle the week ahead. I felt a slight improvement in my general mood in comparison to much of the week before, but I still felt this internal sense of unease, as if something wasn’t quite right in my mind.
I often feel guilty taking any time off, let alone when this is the most critical time of the year in my role, but I feel in a moral quandry of sorts at the moment when doing so. I don’t necessarily want to, but I know it’s what I need for my mental health, and I’ll be worse off further down the line otherwise.
I am hoping that I will start to feel the hedonic treadmill kick in over the coming weeks, and I’ll revert back to my usual self, but until then, I want to pay increased attention to looking after myself, and actively try to clear my head and de-stress when I have the opportunity.
Self-Care
A few of us were chatting in the office last week, and the topic shifted to sleep, and how much we each get. The general consensus was to sleep between 10-11pm, and wake up around 7am, for that ideal 8 hours. When I mentioned sleeping between 12 midnight and 12:30am, and waking up at 5:30am, they must have been wondering how I was still awake!
I’ve always felt like going to sleep early is a waste of potentially productive time, and I largely do still believe this. I’ve obtained a knack for knowing exactly when I should go to sleep in order for my alarm to wake me up during a period of light sleep, so I feel refreshed, rather than groggy, in the morning.
Despite this, I do enjoy sleep, and I feel as if it may be worth trying to get to sleep earlier to get one extra sleep cycle in. I am hoping this may make a difference to my resting mental state whilst not making me feel like I am losing out on any valuable time.
I’ve been living mostly on my own for the last few weeks, but for the most part, I’ve kept up on household chores such as general cleaning, taking the bins, laundry and more. Even feeling pretty down in general, I’ve made a concerted effort to keep up on these, as living in messy surroundings tends to make me feel worse.
With my fiancée away and COVID-19 restrictions meaning I couldn’t really see anybody, the lack of social contact has affected me a lot more than I was expecting.
A few years ago, I would’ve happily spent months at a time on my own, and even though I have enjoyed spending some time in my own company, I found that after about a week, I could feel a sense of loneliness creeping in.
To look after myself better, I should try to get more sleep, persist with keeping up with household chores, and actively pursue social activity where I can. Whilst this will likely be mostly online at the moment, that will be much better than the little to none at all that I’m currently partaking in.
Final Thoughts
If I could describe generally how I feel at the moment, it would be negatively strange.
Although I’m doing well at work (although not as well as I would like to be), taking relatively good care of myself and my living environment, and enjoying what leisure time I manage to take, I can’t help but feel an encroaching loneliness, nervousness and agitation. There’s not been much to be happy about in the world generally lately, and I guess that’s just having a larger affect on me than it usually would.
It’s been a number of years since I’ve experience this negative mood, and it’s causing a sense of dejavu, which explains the strangeness. It’s a somewhat familiar feeling, but it’s been such a long time since my mood has been in this place that it feels like a fresh, new unpleasantness.
I remain hopeful that this is just a temporary rut, and I do believe better times are ahead. I just hope they’d come a bit sooner, but with the way the COVID-19 pandemic is affecting all of our daily lives, I’m doubtful there will be any reasons to be joyous in the near future.
I was going to end it there, but thought that would be an all too depressing way to sign off! I’m not in the best headspace at the moment, that is true, but I have this determination to pull through to the other side, although I just couldn’t tell you when this will happen. Not knowing only makes it harder to deal with, but ultimately I know that, in time, happier days are ahead, not just for myself, but for us all.
Published October 16, 2020.