State of Play 2: Breakup, Opportunity and Routine
I can’t recall a three-week period in recent memory whereby so much has changed in such a short period of time, and throughout which I’ve been through such a rollercoaster of emotions.
JOHN NICHOLS
DECEMBER 4, 2020
It’s been three weeks since I last published anything to this blog, and if that isn’t a sign of how much my daily life has changed in such a short amount of time, I don’t know what is.
In my inaugural State of Play, I discussed being in a generally negative mood, but believing it was a temporary rut that would soon pass. Three weeks on, the winds have yet to clear the clouds.
Breakup
Last week, my ex-fiancée moved all of her belongings out to start a life elsewhere. No hard feelings – it was a mutual decision for the best of both of us. That’s not to say it hasn’t had a profound effect on me – quite the opposite in fact.
I’m quickly realising how easy it is to take for granted that someone is around you on a daily basis. Arriving back from work to a mostly empty flat with nobody in it will take some getting used to. If I thought loneliness was creeping in due to the UK’s second lockdown, I’m certainly experiencing those feelings much more at the moment.
I am trying to surround myself with friends as much as I can (they know who they are), and I value their support and companionship more than I could ever put into words.
Ultimately, it’s a new, fresh start. One with its pitfalls, but also one with a new set of freedoms.
Opportunity
Roughly 5-6 weeks ago, I had a casual chat with Always Wear Red founder, Mychael Owen, who I’ve known for a few years now. This has led me to doing some PR work for them in the run-up to Christmas – a way to make use of my newly-found free time.
Whilst I read umpteen press releases a day in my advertising role, this is the first time I have seriously attempted PR work. I relish new opportunities, and have been encouraged by how transferrable my experience has been towards this new venture.
I’m absolutely loving the journey so far – being able to spread the word about a brand that you truly believe has a brilliant story to tell and a fantastic ethos is a wonderfully uplifting endeavour.
Taking on this role has led to something which I hadn’t anticipated, however.
Daily Routine
As a general rule, I like routine. I like knowing what I’m doing today, the next day, and the rest of the week. It helps to give me purpose, and acts as a driver to motivate me forwards.
Since living on my own however, I’ve slipped into a regimented routine, at least for my weekdays, that I think is just a result of my attempts to cope with my emotions.
For the last week, my weekday routine has been as follows:
- 05:30 – 06:00 – 06:30 – First, second and third alarm.
- 06:45 – Final alarm, usually get up now. Exercise.
- 07:00 – Shower, skincare, shave if needed etc.
- 07:30 to 08:00 – Breakfast, lunch prep, get changed for work
- 08:00 to 18:00 – Commute, work, commute back
- 18:00 to 20:30 – Get changed, flat chores, cook & eat
- 20:30 to 22:30 – PR
- 22:30 to 23:30 – Guitar practice
- 23:30 to 01:00 – Wind down, eventually get to sleep
My ability to type that out with having to second guess myself or check timings demonstrates to myself just how regimented I have allowed my weekday life to become.
Relax
A simple word. A simple concept. But one which has evaded me for the last three weeks entirely.
The crucial element missing from my routine is any semblance of proper downtime. That’s partly my commitment to daily guitar practice and out-of-work activity, but mostly my subconscious trying to keep myself busy.
In the moments where I’ve been able to catch a breather and clear my thoughts, I gain a greater realisation of my surroundings. Empty flat. Lack of social contact. Loss of confidant. It’s enough to drive myself back into making myself busy, rather than dealing with my emotions properly.
Weekends haven’t brought long-awaited breaks either. Last weekend, it was helping to pack the majority of a flat. Tomorrow, I’ve booked myself in for a haircut at 9am – eternally grateful that I was able to get one at all, but in hindsight I probably should’ve chosen sleep over getting the first booking of the day!
Relaxing leads to pondering, pondering leads to realisation, and realisation leads to an unwelcome reality check. I’m fully aware of my own doom-and-gloom state of being at the moment (I’ve never listened to so much Darkwave in all my life), and know that scars heal in time. How much time that will be remains to be seen, but there is a period approaching which might help to numb the emotions for a while.
Holidays are Coming
As that oh-so-endearing Coca-Cola ad sings, holidays are coming – and boy, they can’t come soon enough.
Since the start of last week, I’ve had a timer on my laptop counting down to when I’m going back home for Christmas. For someone who doesn’t naturally like taking breaks, I’ve never looked forward to two weeks of pure downtime as much in recent years as I am now.
It’ll be a strange Christmas for sure, but so long as I can sleep for more than 4hrs 30mins a day, enjoy the company of friends and family, and feel recharged and ready to take on 2021, it’ll be one of the very best Christmases I’ve had.
Final Thoughts
Emotions can be difficult to deal with sometimes, and they can have a much larger effect on your life than you ever really realise. Without the troughs however, the peaks never look as high.
Am I, in an almost blindly hopeful fashion, praying that Christmas will go some way to helping me find my emotional footing once again? Yes. Deep down, do I think this is realistic? Probably not.
Time is the grand healer, unlike any other on this Earth. Try as I might, I cannot make time go by faster. Scars always heal in their own time, but the wait for them to heal, in my case, causes immense mental strife.
Christmas is hailed as a magical time of year. I’m going to need plenty of that magic to help me on the road back to myself.
Published December 4, 2020. Cover photo by Glenn Carstens-Peters on Unsplash.