State of Play 4: Dark
From music to fashion to leisure, a lot has changed in my life over the past three weeks, all guided by the darkness I’ve been feeling as we head into 2021.
JOHN NICHOLS
FEBRUARY 19, 2021
It’s been three weeks since I last uploaded a blog post, and much has changed in that time. I’ve gotten back into the work groove, I’ve reverted to my usual perpetual tiredness, and I’ve unwittingly come to a realisation on a core part of me.
Music
I’ve been a “music fan” for as long as I can remember. From being in a choir as a kid, to an emo teen, to a bona fide metalhead, I have an appreciation for all genres of music.
What I listen to is always somewhat linked to my emotions. I’ve always been able to codify periods of my life according to the genres of music I was into at the time, and I’ve definitely entered a new chapter in recent weeks.
Darkwave, industrial metal and love metal all share a darker, soulful lyricism that is speaking to me at the moment. I’ve listened to bands such as She Wants Revenge, Marilyn Manson and H.I.M. in the past, but lately, they’ve been on repeat every day.
What does this say for my emotional state? Hard to describe exactly, but the closest one-word answer would be “lost”. I feel as if I’m drowning, which the tiredness isn’t helping with. I don’t feel very present – I’m very much living in my head right now.
Fashion
As my taste in music has taken a darker turn, so has the fashion in which I feel most comfortable. The biggest change is that I’ve began experimenting with black nail polish and eyeliner – 16 year-old me would have been over the moon!
Like with the nail polish and eyeliner, my go-to clothing is all black, accentuated with bold items such as scarves or my first pair of Jeffery West shoes which I recently picked up. Although my dress sense is informed by my emotions, I’m still making an effort to look put-together, as always.
Speaking of accessories, I’ve become a “ring guy” – I’m currently wearing three on my left hand and one on my right. I couldn’t explain exactly why I’ve started wearing them – I think it’s partly that they go with the all-black look, and partly that they give me something to fiddle with when I’m stressed – which is a lot lately.
Experimenting with how I dress has been a solitary sliver of light amongst the dark clouds. It makes me happy to discover what I like – even if it is just within my own four walls a lot of the time.
Leisure
Since the New Year, I’ve gotten back into playing poker. More than just playing for fun, I’ve been studying it. I don’t do anything in halves, and this is no different.
As I’m not doing a lot outside of work at the moment, this has been my go-to. It gives me something to focus on and really think hard about, which distracts me from my emotions for a while.
I’m very wary not to get sucked into it though. I’ve been taking days off to read, play guitar, sing and do whatever else I can inside of these four walls to keep me from thinking too much.
Final Thoughts
Darker music, darker clothing – driven by a darker turn of mind.
The worst bits of the last few weeks are where I’ve been sat doing nothing, because that’s when my emotions take over. Generally, I like to be a busy person anyway. It keeps me distracted. Although I’ve always been happy to be a busy man, I’ve never quite understood why, but now I think I get it. When I’m not busy, that’s when I start to think, and at the moment, the thoughts are all dark, hollow pits of despair.
I hope the next few weeks bring some light into my life. I’m searching for it, and actively trying to find it. I just hope it’s not outside my grasp.
Published February 19, 2021. Cover photo by Tim Marshall on Unsplash.